Friday, October 30, 2009

How did this happen?

Funny really, how whenever you want to write something and you get around to it, you can never manage to put anything down. How does that work? i guess it is the mystery of all great writers...and I'm glad they never passed it on, then no one would ever think any literary work it worth while.
tonight of all nights me and a very old friend was refreshing, and luckily we both made it out alive. conversations like you well know, go one of two ways, either really fucking well, or so horribly wrong. if they do manage to go south, which you well know, there is no saying what people will say...or how they might mean what they say. emotion grabs hold, and takes you on a roller coaster ride from hell.
At least i was with a good friend, that way i wasn't torn down too hard...and neither was he. we both have a secret, not of course the same one...but the same one. and it kills us none the less. at least we can use each other as the life raft that keeps us afloat.
I sometimes wonder if the people that can do this to us even realize what or how they do it? if they did, do you think they would stop? or would they smile evilly, very similarly to how a snot nosed fuck burns ants with his glasses?
As the t.v. played some mediocrity in the background, and the wine ran dry we sat and talked for longer then i ever thought possible about that same thing we had talked about a million times before. It's not that talking doesn't work it's that even if you talk, and do nothing about it, it never gets solved.
Men unluckily for the sex, never do well backed into a corner in which women, the other species love to put us. they think quick, act fast and let emotion run through their saturated words. men on the other hand have what we like to think of as a defense against the woman enemy. ANGER, which of course leads to instability in the conversation, and of course is perfectly designed to hurt woman in their feelings and make them no longer want to talk about whatever they think is important enough to talk about.
I only could wish they would take the time to read this, and even though they won't know which friend I'm talking about... or which women i'm talking about, i think it's important on some level not to know...that way you can put yourself into the equation and see how the fuck you make out.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Wait, when is Halloween?

Really? i guess i didn't pay attention to the date, or the month, everything blends together, except for the few exceptions that make my life worth while and fun. All of my friends are good, and my past affliction fades faster then i could ever realize... for the second time.
Everything seems to be going well for the most part, and that's pretty damn exciting. There is only one thing that seems to be bothering me now more then most... now that life is good, there just doesn't seem to be anything worth talking about. Nothing to hold these conglomeration of words together, no cohesion.
Well i suppose it could be worse, i have good friends and a fairly good life, and i can keep smiling as if nothing was ever wrong. There feels like something is on the way i just can't seem to place my finger on it, like trying to mold water with only your will.
Halloween is right around the corner, and luckily i won't be alone, my second family down here gives me good reason to smile. i hope they don't mind me to terribly much, what would i do without them?
People are odd, no one ever thinks they need people to make them happy... but when you run out of people to tell your secrets too and smile with, you realize you couldn't live without them. Similarly to how the world couldn't live without the sun. That's why i realize people make sacrifices to the ones they love, and the ones they care about. It' all worth it in the long run.
With so many more things to say, and no memory to remember them, which will require someone to remind me to carry a pad with me.
I guess this might be the most boring and uninteresting post of them all. Although I'm sure there will be more to come. Luckily for me, not so lucky for you.


Monday, October 26, 2009

It rained today

It rained today, although i didn't take any real notice. A sickening realization, that shot through my body and left me speechless consumed my mind like a shadow. there was nothing, no comfort, no answers nothing. Where was i going? who cares anymore, I've done the one thing, that from the bottom of my heart hurts more then anything i ever thought could.
i defiled my person, destroyed my soul, and to make it all seem real, i fucked around with that, and turned my own destructive nature onto someone i love the most. How could i be so stupid? why would i have thought everything would have been fine. As the memory started to fade, and i could finally start to look at myself, and think of myself as a decent human being...
it all comes down, that the beauty of gravity, and of the universe, you think gravity is corporeal and that it only effects what is tangible. Unfortunately that is not even close to the case... You can try to run, but know that you will always tire before you demons do, and they never stop, never tire, and in the end you are subject to a will that is the worst possible... the will you bestowed upon yourself. why do people do this to themselves? why do people need to make more problems when life is so willing to hand them out... how can you even expect to survive..
The uncanny desire to always be in strife has once again taken hold, and when you finally stop to look at are staring back at yourself.
Never will i be able to justify my actions, i can only hope that the universe will set everything straight, i am not longer at the hands of my own mercy, and neither is the one i love.
I am lost without her...and ironically, she could be lost because of me...
what more is there to say? what more could you possibly want to say...i search deep for the words and yet...there are none.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

I quit at life, my life to be exact.

Today was a day like no other, earlier i was suggested i go to the beach and walk, so i did. While the waves crashed and the sun dipped behind clouds, i sat on my friend's towel and watched it all happen. Even though i should have i didn't feel small. As a matter of fact, i felt empowered to do things that i couldn't do before hand. So far i feel good.
Earlier today while i washed my car, to give the two that stayed at my house more privacy i decided to change what i saw through Jacksonville. I gave someone two quarters, so they could finish washing their car. He looked confused and his friend didn't have much to say either. I'm not sure it did anything but lets hope i triggered something somewhere.
My car is clean now, and there is no one to admire it, i don't even admire it, although i love it for the fact that i own it and there is no reason to get rid of it yet. As long as she runs well, i will love her for what she's worth.
Well i told you that when i ran out of things to write about, i might squeeze in some of my past. I applyed for college the other week, and getting in might be harder then i thought. My over all gpa from high school is only a 1.29 and the college i want to attend is looking for a minimum of 2.5. This does not bode well for me, however i will call the dean of admissions tomorrow and talk to her, and hopefully she will let me in! fingers crossed.
On a real note however, i finally befriended my father on facebook, which you might think is lame. However when you're not really sure what to say to him, facebook might be the best answer. I realized something however, out of the eighty something pictures, i wasn't in one of them, which i guess doesn't really matter. However it would be nice not to be forgotten..
BTW- go pats


Tonight, for what it's worth.

Tonight, what i thought was going to be a normal everyday useless night. Fortunetly there where some changes that i guess you can say have made it one of the more memorable nights.
At first just know that i was starting to sip on some vodka, and playing guitar hero. Then out of nowhere i get a text from my friend that says "lets go bowling". Of course there was nothing better to do, so i accepted, and the only other text message i got from him was "We can leave once my wife finishes her drink." Which means to me, we are about to be ready come on by.
Apon pulling into their apartment complex, vodka tucked securely into my back pocket, I walk to the door and knock. Nothing, nothing at all not even their dog barking. So of course i let myself in. The lights are on like normal and nothing seems to be out of place except they are not around. Out of the blue, i hear something that should come out of a porno comes across my ears.
I'm stumped... what do i do? should i leave, or should i walk outside risking they would hear me walking around their house. Of course, i try to leave, closing the door and then sitting down on their patio furniture. I proceed to call my mother and about five minutes into it, the dog starts barking and my buddy comes to the door, not opening it, but then yells through the door "Come in, in a minute you non knocking fuck."
Well after my mother had to hear about it, and i walked inside, their was my buddy and his wife sitting at the table, not too sure what to say i just smile and pour myself a drink. Luckily they still want to go bowling which im totally down for. Since i invited my friend to come over my house with someone from school and use my living room, for whatever they want too do.
At the bowling alley, I could see all the redneck fucks that make up the majority of North Carolina. Bowling itself was fun, and sure enough the man and the woman that where supposed to be using my living room show up at the bowling alley which means i cannot go back home soon.
To make an even longer story short, i passed out at their house, and then woke up and drove back, made something to eat... and then as i am now laying in bed.
Even though tonight is over, i'm farely positive i wouldn't change anything. it's always nice to hear people happy..


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Everyday life that no one cares about.

Life happens... I guess thats the best way to start. In this swirling bowl of shit people desperately try to climb their way out of a whole that they can't help.
Living down in North Carolina just proves my point. Everyday i wake up and realize people are soo busy with their own lives that they don't realize anyone else. That being said, i think that if they did notice, they wouldn't do anything hoping the next person would have the common curtisy to do what they could not. Which is overly a fine way of looking at it, except everyone feels the same way.
The mornings here feel like some stranger in the night walked into your house fucked your asshole, and didn't even have the common curtisy to give a man a reach around. I wake up too early to go into work way to early to sit around and wait for something interesting to happen. Of course nothing ever does, so everyday is a constant let down.
There are good things in life however that keep the constant ball taps at bay. My wife for example keeps me growned which is a good thing, without her I would float away in a sea of misery. She's smart, sexy, and overly loving and she's good for me. Of course she can't always be here, which is not really a let down but more of a ball buster for a guy like me. I feel like the zolfolt guy, you know the one with the rain cloud over head?
I however don't want to banter about my own life, it would just be an endless entry that people would hopfully read and wonder why i haven't killed myself.
I hate you North Carolina, your undwater water table with your stupid fake southern hospitality. Everyone is so quick to smile, and then when you ask a ligitamate question, they still have the nerve to smile at you, then tell you they can't help you. Stupidly i keep asking for help, which to my knowledge is the defenition of insanity.
Periodically i will check in, and keep writing about what i see, and here, and maybe throw a few blurbs in about my past, and lets hope someone will read this and at the very least find this intertaning to read. However i don't hold any real hope.